8 Ways Your Child Can Embarrass You

I've decided that Lilly being 8 years old is the PERFECT age for "ism's".  You know, random things you're child says or does that only they could pull off.  I've also decided that in honor of such a fun age, I will write a weekly post dedicated to it.  This week's post is...."8 Ways Your Child Can Embarrass You".

1. Remember when you were cursing out the dog last week?  You remember, she stole your shoe and than ran all over the house refusing to drop it and you, the stupid human, followed her from room to room to room until you caught your toe on the stove and swore up an down at the God damned mother humpin stupid friggin dog........and then remember how your 8 year-old was standing there watching with that WTF look on here face?  Oh, wait, no....that was me.  Well, insert Lilly and I into that scenario and then fast forward about.....3 days.  We're at the store and Lilly is being a goof ball and stubs her toe on the floor.  Yup - you guessed it - starts swearing up a blue streak but Lilly-style - "Jesus! That freakin hurt, stupid darn floor!" So I turn red because naturally, there are 500 people in the aisle we're in, and tell her that she can't say things like that, it's inappropriate......she says to me, of course, "Well, why do you say them?".  "Because I'm adult I tell her.  Just because you hear me say things doesn't mean its okay for you to repeat them."   Then, without skipping a beat, looks at me and says well its a good thing Maddie can't talk 'cause you say those things to her all the time!"  Never clarifying that Maddie is in fact, a dog......time to go.....

2. "Mama, are these the wet wipes you use after you poop or do you want the extra-strength ones?"....shouted from one end of the paper aisle to the other while in Stop&Shop.

3. When Lilly was 3 years old, I used to let her pick out her own clothes.  We were in Wal-Mart for something....pull-ups I think...and walked by the most HIDEOUS purple camouflage short and T-shirt set, made out of that shiny basketball short material.  Well, if Lilly didn't fall in love with it.  So I told her, against my better judgement, that she couldn't have it because it would make her look like trailer trash.  I know.  Awful.  There was no need for that.  I apologize if you live in a trailer park....its nothing against that...its the ones that give said trailer park the trailer trash name.  You know EXACTLY who I'm talking about.  Well, Lilly asked what that meant and I said, "Dirty, cheap, uneducated....you don't need it."  Fast forward 6 months.  6 WHOLE MONTHS! We're in ShopRIte and we walk past a lady who was practically as wide as she was tall wearing a tent, I mean dress, and had hair down to her ass, thin, scraggly, unwashed....you're getting the idea.  Lilly looks at her, looks at me, and says (in her loudest "talk") "Mama, is she trailer trash?"..........excellent.

4. I once made the mistake of commenting on the hygiene practices of a certain friend of mine in front of Lilly.  Well, Lilly was with me not 3 weeks ago and says, "Mama, is that the one who needs to take a bath?"

5. We're at a get together not too long ago and my friend is trying desperately to hook me up with another friend of hers.  He nice looking, has a job, has his own place and a car (my standards have been GREATLY reduced) but, he's just not my type.  Lilly has been, although I don't realize it, listening to most of our conversation, and pipes in with, "But Mama, I thought you said you wouldn't date him even if he paid you...".  Crap, hope he didn't hear that.......10 minutes later he walked over to me, handed me a beer....and a $5 bill and asked, "Is that enough?"   Ugh....

6. I had company over about 3 months ago and Lilly had spent a good 20 minutes in the bathroom.  She comes out finally and asks me if I had a match.  A match?  "Lilly, what on earth do you need a match for?  You know better than to play with fire!"  "To light a candle in the bathroom Mama.  I pooped and it stinks and that's what you do after you poop, is light a candle."  Excellent.

7. We were in the mall returning a few things one day and a young girl walks by us.  Now, she was definitely attractive, I'll give her that, but the way she was dressed, made her look cheap.  No longer attractive in my book.  I said to Lilly, "Please promise me that when you get older, you won't wear cheap stuff like that."  Lilly took a few seconds to look at the young girl and turned to me and said, just as the girl was walking by us, "You mean like that girl Mama?"  Glad that the girl kept walking, I said, "Shhh....not so loud.  We don't need everyone to know that I'm talking about someone.  What if it hurt her feelings", I said?  Lilly thought about it and then said, "Mama, you always tell me that if I don't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything."  True story.  I have told her that.  So, I admitted my fault, and apologized to Lilly for being mean and we continued on our way.  Well, as luck would have it, as we were leaving the mall, we cross paths with the same girl, who is now with who I assumed to be her boyfriend.  Lilly, with all her bad timing, says, "Mama, she doesn't have cheap clothes on.  That shirt was in that store's window with a $30 sign on it."  Ugh...keep walking Lilly....keep walking.....I still don't know if she heard it.

8. So everyone at this point knows that I'm unemployed. Not really my choice, but just the way the ball bounces.  So, naturally, we're doing less things that cost money right now because of the limited income situation.  So we're chatting it up with a friend of mine that I wouldn't mind getting to know better, and the person suggests we all meet up at the grinder shop near the beach and then heading to the beach.  Now, I know that this is going to cost a little more money than I'd like to spend but when you're trying to get better acquainted with someone, its fine.  Well, Lilly, being 8, hasn't learned this yet, and piped up with, "Mama, doesn't have a job.  We're not supposed to eat out until she gets another one."  No big deal.  That's what I told her.  So I say, "That's true but we've done a good job of following that rule so far so I think it'll be alright this time."  Well, Lilly took this totally the wrong way and retorted with, "UGH! Mama!  That's no fair!  I wanted to go to McDonald's and said we didn't have the money for McDonald's and now {person's name here} asks you out and you say yes?!?!"  My face turned like 15 shades of red....and the person who did invite us is red.....thinking the trip is off, I start to say something like "maybe another time then..." but they got to it first and said, "Well, what if your Mama makes the lunch because she's so good a cooking and I'll spring for the beach entry fee?  Would that be fair?"  Lilly thought about it and finally says, "Whatever.  As long as you guys don't kiss in front of me It'll be fine."  Excellent Lilly.  Excellent.

Love and Basil

So, as all of you know, I was accepting to culinary school back in April.  I was supposed to start on May 2nd, but that gave me a month to find ans secure funding.  YEAH RIGHT!  So, I postponed my start date to the end of August.  Then, I vigorously began searching for grants, scholarships, low-interest loans so that I could actually pay for culinary school.  Well, because I already have a BS in Biology, the US government said NO WAY to any federal grant money.  So, that left me applying for, and being denied, private grants.  Also, unless I am a high school senior, part of a minority group, or a veteran, finding scholarships is difficult - now I know there are scholarships out there FOR EVERYTHING...the thing is you have to read the fine print.  A lot of them are not applicable if you are attending a TRADE SCHOOL.  Post-secondary education is considered wither a Masters program or PhD program.  Last I checked, there weren't many Masters of Cookies degrees out there (although, I'd totally love to walk across a stage and receive a diploma from the Pillsbury Dough Boy.  Just sayin'). 

I look for jobs here and there but I'll be honest, I've been slacking.  Most of the cooking jobs, even low man on the totem pole cooking jobs, are either looking for someone with experience already or the hours aren't conducive to having children.  And, let's face it, I decided I wanted to do something I love AND spend more quality time with Lilly.  If the new job doesn't allow that then its not a good match.

Monday, Caity forwarded me a job posting for "Baker" in Niantic, with a phone number.  Job requirement: must be a good baker.  That's it.  No "experience", no cooking school, no nada - you just had to be good.  Well, not to toot my own horn but I'm good.  (TOOT TOOT!) So, I called them up, told them I was interested, and they said, "Well, come one down and bring us a sample of your work."  I asked if they were looking for breakfast type pastries or cake like goods, they said muffins, danish, etc....so that's what they got.



Blueberry cream cheese pastry.



Chocolate chunk scones and coffee cake muffins.

I'm still waiting to hear back but the lady I spoke to seemed very impressed.  Apparently everyone else who applied brought A MUFFIN, A SCONE.....

So, the day before, Lilly was all excited that I would be baking all night that she started making up her own recipes.  She was determined to create something.  She came up with confetti cake batter mixed in one bowl, brownies mixed in another bowl, and then poured, simultaneously into the baking pan to create a confetti cake brownie.  When it's done, top it with vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, a cherry and sprinkles.  And then she says, (cutest thing EVER), "But Mama, don't forget the secret ingredients....."  "What's that I ask?"

"Love....and basil."

I love her.

Yogurt and Sass

So all of you who have read any of my blog posts or even Facebook status updates know that Lilly, no matter how much I love her, can be a royal pain in the you-know-what.  Most of the time, she's this sweet, caring, give the shirt off her back little girl who just wants to love and be loved.  Sometimes, however, she's......well......a sassy little witch.  (SMH)

So let's get the whole story as to why this is important.  On Sunday, I realized we were out of peanut butter and since Lilly pretty much only eats peanut butter sandwiches for lunch at school, this meant we had to run to the store to buy some.  NBD, off to ShopRite we go, grab some peanut butter and other such things, and home again.  Monday, she was ridiculous in the morning: put her shirt on inside out, socks were all smooshed in her shoes which were untied, hair not brushed.....just a hot mess.  Anyway, I packed her a peanut butter sandwich, strawberries, fruit snacks, yogurt, and 2 chocolate chip cookies.  Now, the rule in our house(s) is that if you come home with a practically full lunch box, you either eat what's left for dinner, or tomorrow that's what you bring to school again.  Also, if something new is presented to you, you must at least try it and decide whether or not you like it.  Well, when Lilly came home from school Monday, all that was missing were the fruit snacks and cookies.  So needless to say, the rest were dinner for her.  WEEEELLLLLL....this just pissed her right the hell off.  Screaming and crying and carrying on about how she hated that yogurt (new flavor BTW) and it was disgusting and blah blah blah...she was sent to her room TWICE to pull herself together and both times.......EPIC FAILURE. 

So round three I went to get her and all I said was, "Lilly, I just want you to try the yogurt.  That's all.  Just try it." Well, if that little girl didn't look me SQUARE IN THE FACE and say, "I don't care what you want.  I don't want to try it so I'm not gonna. {insert giggle here}."

(dramatic pause to let you GASP outloud.................................) Were she an adult speaking like that to me, I'd have probably punched her.  No worries though, I took a deep breath, gathered my anger in a neat little ball of fire in the pit of my stomach, and walked outside.  About 10 minutes later, with a lowered blood pressure, I went to Lilly's door and said the following in the coolest, calmest, scariest Mom voice I have ever used: I want you to get up, go to the table, and eat your dinner.  You will eat every last bite of your sandwich, your strawberries, and your yogurt.  When you're done, I'm going to give you another yogurt.  And should you ever speak to me like you just did, ever, EVER again, the Lord as my witness, I will make your punishment so severe that you will never utter another word to me other than yes ma'am and no ma'am for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

A little harsh? Maybe. Did it get the point across? Sure the hell did.

So she walks to the table, sits down, takes a bite of the yogurt and says with ALL KINDS OF EXCITEMENT, "Mama! This tastes like Rita's!"....................................Lord help me....

Until next time.

Easter

When did this holiday become a gift giving holiday?  I mean, aside from the jelly beans and chocolate bunnies, when did kids get to hand you a wish list for gifts?  Ridiculous!  I had a customer the other day who spent a little over $200 on clothes for a 3 year-old girl for Easter....gifts...not an outfit...not because she was less fortunate and needed clothes...but to put in her Easter basket along with the jelly beans and chocolate bunny.  That'll be the day.  Lilly is getting a new book (She gets them every other week anyway), jelly beans, and a plant - something she'll have to be responsible for - not just because it's a holiday but because we're trying to teach Lilly about responsibility and consequences.  Even then, I think the book should be separate. 

What are your thoughts on Easter gifts?

MEANEST MOM EVER!

Ahhh parenthood.  The joy it brings to...oh please...this parenting stuff is HARD WORK!  And sometimes, I feel like the harder I try to be "a good parent", the more difficult my child gets.  Take for instance, last Saturday.  I picked Lilly up from Cait's only to learn that Lilly was, in essence, PMSing, and was bitchy as all get out.  Great.  So this continued all evening and into Sunday.  Well, I repeatedly have to ask Lilly to do very complicated tasks such as brush your teeth, pick up your dirty laundry, take a shower....get dressed into CLEAN clothes (I swear sometimes she's a boy).  So, Sunday I repeat myself again, only to discover that because she was too involved in a highly educational episode of SpongeBob, she missed the tag of "We're going to the dog park, put on the play clothes I put out for you," and comes dressed to the nines....wearing the dame undershirt and underpants she had on the night before.  Her hair wasn't combed, and her boots, were just that, boots, not her play sneakers.  So I sent her BACK to her room to start over.  Much commotion and tears later, she's ready to go and I am mean.  Well, this pissed me right the frig off so, being the mean mom that I am, took away the computer, DSi, and TV for a week, called Cait and said none of those things could be used at her house either, and was done with it.  (THIS DID NOT, I repeat, DID NOT, go over well). 

Fast forward to yesterday.  Its Sunday, its sunny, its 56 degrees outside.  We're going out.  Well, all she did was bitch and moan about how "its too bright" and she "didn't even have shades on" and all she wanted to do was "play in my room away from you".....well,this again, ticked me off, so the more she complained, the longer we stayed out.  Two hours later, I decide its lunch time so we can go in - BUT, we need to shower.  "Are you serious Mama?  I hate taking showers.  I took one yesterday!" (before playing outside Saturday night and today).  Just get in the dang shower Lilly.  This branded me "THE MEANEST MOM EVER" title.  One I wear with pride.  If I'm the meanest mom ever because I made you play outside in the sunshine and made you take a shower before feeding you lunch, call DCF and be done with it. 

The kicker is that 4 hours later, I'm being told I'm so awesome because apparently I agreed to throw a birthday party for Kristen Stewart this Saturday.  Yes.  An actress.  That we don't know.  Because Lilly is obsessed with her this month and read alllllll about her in TigerBeat Magazine.  She spent about an hour with my mom at her store yesterday and came home with Twilight themed paper goods and everything.  Also, I will be preparing Miss Stewart's favorites for this party..........which will consist of myself, my 65 year-old mother, and Lilly, in attendance.  But I'm the meanest mom ever right????  

UGH.  The joys of parenting    :-)