8 Ways Your Child Can Embarrass You

I've decided that Lilly being 8 years old is the PERFECT age for "ism's".  You know, random things you're child says or does that only they could pull off.  I've also decided that in honor of such a fun age, I will write a weekly post dedicated to it.  This week's post is...."8 Ways Your Child Can Embarrass You".

1. Remember when you were cursing out the dog last week?  You remember, she stole your shoe and than ran all over the house refusing to drop it and you, the stupid human, followed her from room to room to room until you caught your toe on the stove and swore up an down at the God damned mother humpin stupid friggin dog........and then remember how your 8 year-old was standing there watching with that WTF look on here face?  Oh, wait, no....that was me.  Well, insert Lilly and I into that scenario and then fast forward about.....3 days.  We're at the store and Lilly is being a goof ball and stubs her toe on the floor.  Yup - you guessed it - starts swearing up a blue streak but Lilly-style - "Jesus! That freakin hurt, stupid darn floor!" So I turn red because naturally, there are 500 people in the aisle we're in, and tell her that she can't say things like that, it's inappropriate......she says to me, of course, "Well, why do you say them?".  "Because I'm adult I tell her.  Just because you hear me say things doesn't mean its okay for you to repeat them."   Then, without skipping a beat, looks at me and says well its a good thing Maddie can't talk 'cause you say those things to her all the time!"  Never clarifying that Maddie is in fact, a dog......time to go.....

2. "Mama, are these the wet wipes you use after you poop or do you want the extra-strength ones?"....shouted from one end of the paper aisle to the other while in Stop&Shop.

3. When Lilly was 3 years old, I used to let her pick out her own clothes.  We were in Wal-Mart for something....pull-ups I think...and walked by the most HIDEOUS purple camouflage short and T-shirt set, made out of that shiny basketball short material.  Well, if Lilly didn't fall in love with it.  So I told her, against my better judgement, that she couldn't have it because it would make her look like trailer trash.  I know.  Awful.  There was no need for that.  I apologize if you live in a trailer park....its nothing against that...its the ones that give said trailer park the trailer trash name.  You know EXACTLY who I'm talking about.  Well, Lilly asked what that meant and I said, "Dirty, cheap, uneducated....you don't need it."  Fast forward 6 months.  6 WHOLE MONTHS! We're in ShopRIte and we walk past a lady who was practically as wide as she was tall wearing a tent, I mean dress, and had hair down to her ass, thin, scraggly, unwashed....you're getting the idea.  Lilly looks at her, looks at me, and says (in her loudest "talk") "Mama, is she trailer trash?"..........excellent.

4. I once made the mistake of commenting on the hygiene practices of a certain friend of mine in front of Lilly.  Well, Lilly was with me not 3 weeks ago and says, "Mama, is that the one who needs to take a bath?"

5. We're at a get together not too long ago and my friend is trying desperately to hook me up with another friend of hers.  He nice looking, has a job, has his own place and a car (my standards have been GREATLY reduced) but, he's just not my type.  Lilly has been, although I don't realize it, listening to most of our conversation, and pipes in with, "But Mama, I thought you said you wouldn't date him even if he paid you...".  Crap, hope he didn't hear that.......10 minutes later he walked over to me, handed me a beer....and a $5 bill and asked, "Is that enough?"   Ugh....

6. I had company over about 3 months ago and Lilly had spent a good 20 minutes in the bathroom.  She comes out finally and asks me if I had a match.  A match?  "Lilly, what on earth do you need a match for?  You know better than to play with fire!"  "To light a candle in the bathroom Mama.  I pooped and it stinks and that's what you do after you poop, is light a candle."  Excellent.

7. We were in the mall returning a few things one day and a young girl walks by us.  Now, she was definitely attractive, I'll give her that, but the way she was dressed, made her look cheap.  No longer attractive in my book.  I said to Lilly, "Please promise me that when you get older, you won't wear cheap stuff like that."  Lilly took a few seconds to look at the young girl and turned to me and said, just as the girl was walking by us, "You mean like that girl Mama?"  Glad that the girl kept walking, I said, "Shhh....not so loud.  We don't need everyone to know that I'm talking about someone.  What if it hurt her feelings", I said?  Lilly thought about it and then said, "Mama, you always tell me that if I don't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything."  True story.  I have told her that.  So, I admitted my fault, and apologized to Lilly for being mean and we continued on our way.  Well, as luck would have it, as we were leaving the mall, we cross paths with the same girl, who is now with who I assumed to be her boyfriend.  Lilly, with all her bad timing, says, "Mama, she doesn't have cheap clothes on.  That shirt was in that store's window with a $30 sign on it."  Ugh...keep walking Lilly....keep walking.....I still don't know if she heard it.

8. So everyone at this point knows that I'm unemployed. Not really my choice, but just the way the ball bounces.  So, naturally, we're doing less things that cost money right now because of the limited income situation.  So we're chatting it up with a friend of mine that I wouldn't mind getting to know better, and the person suggests we all meet up at the grinder shop near the beach and then heading to the beach.  Now, I know that this is going to cost a little more money than I'd like to spend but when you're trying to get better acquainted with someone, its fine.  Well, Lilly, being 8, hasn't learned this yet, and piped up with, "Mama, doesn't have a job.  We're not supposed to eat out until she gets another one."  No big deal.  That's what I told her.  So I say, "That's true but we've done a good job of following that rule so far so I think it'll be alright this time."  Well, Lilly took this totally the wrong way and retorted with, "UGH! Mama!  That's no fair!  I wanted to go to McDonald's and said we didn't have the money for McDonald's and now {person's name here} asks you out and you say yes?!?!"  My face turned like 15 shades of red....and the person who did invite us is red.....thinking the trip is off, I start to say something like "maybe another time then..." but they got to it first and said, "Well, what if your Mama makes the lunch because she's so good a cooking and I'll spring for the beach entry fee?  Would that be fair?"  Lilly thought about it and finally says, "Whatever.  As long as you guys don't kiss in front of me It'll be fine."  Excellent Lilly.  Excellent.